Motions and emotions

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“Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always gotten there first, and is waiting for it.”

Terry Pratchett

So I know what you’re thinking – what has this quote got to do with a picture of a dancer? Well the dancer is actually me and this photo was taken in November 2011, during the most difficult time in my life.

My friends have always said I “fail at life” because I’m constantly followed by a cloud of bad luck. While I do try to laugh along with them, sometimes it’s harder than others. Teaching English was never something I wanted to do and for now it’s simply a means to an end. Before I became an English teacher in Japan, I danced. For three quarters of my life I danced; after school, on the weekends, in competitions and by age 15, it took priority over school. It was my love, my passion, my label. I moved to Germany at 16 to dance in a professional ballet school, and for a moment I thought I would actually achieve my goal as a dancer. But that moment, like most, was fleeting. I still remember the feeling as the doctor explained the seriousness of my injury – the falling feeling whilst seated, vision blurring, sound vanishing. That was 18 months ago but the realisation of how something can be taken away so quickly still haunts me.

I was told I’d recover in 2 months but in my mind that was too long. I was so desperate to dance again I became impatient and danced through the pain. When another 2 months passed and I found myself back on stage I fooled myself into believing I was in the clear. Deep down I knew something was wrong, that it wouldn’t last, and a month later I made the hardest decision of my life – to walk away. I still had half a year of my course to complete but dance was no longer enjoyable. The love and passion was gone, I was only left with pain. Dance was my first love and my first heart break.

I officially stopped last September but I still refer to myself as a dancer, mostly out of habit. I’ve not found a replacement label. After spending almost my entire life working towards one goal and not succeeding, everything else in life seem unattainable and I find myself simply going through the motions.

This blog is supposed to be about travel and I apologise, but I’ve temporarily lost all inspiration. I hope it comes back soon.

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Comments
9 Responses to “Motions and emotions”
  1. pflead73 says:

    May be you have some other hidden talent that you have been overlooking. Think over it!

  2. X says:

    I like the comment about the label, I feel like that label of a dancer is stuck so deep inside of me, nothing seems as fitting as dancer, but dancer doesn’t fit anymore either.

  3. kpowley says:

    This post really touched me. I’m positive you’ll get your inspiration back, you have a great blog here – the darkness is always before the dawn (so to say, however cringe-like)

  4. The Savvy Senorita says:

    This post truly speaks, and loudly. I enjoyed reading it immensely. I find myself empathising with you on many of the issues you raise, especially finding your label or path in life. I know this is something I too have been wrestling with. I keep hope it will happen, and I am being more positive than I had been, this helps, cliche, but it does. I feel if we take time to explore upon any path, we may find we are heading in the right direction. So, enjoy the exploration, experience enriches you and your life! Who knows what you will discover! Bex

    • Thank you for your comment, it means a lot to hear I’m not the only one. It’s been half a year since I wrote this post and already I can see and feel a difference – perhaps not a clear goal in life but I’m more content with life itself. I hope you find what you’re way too! Alyce

      • The Savvy Senorita says:

        Thanks for your reply. Yes, it is a comfort knowing others are out there too! Good for you, and congrats on your progress towards feeling more settled or at ease. I hope I do too, and am trying to be more positive a d sensitive to the good things life can bring. Same wishes of good luck to you also. Bex

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